DOGGY DEFINITIONS by anon. the dog

LEASH – A snap which, when attached to your collar, allows you to lead your human wherever you want him or her to go.

DOG BED – Any soft clean surface, such as a white bedspread in the guestroom, or the recently re-upholstered sofa in the livingroom.

DROOL – What you do when humans have food but you don’t.  To do this properly, you must sit as close as you can and look really sad, while letting the drool fall to the floor – or, better still, on their laps.

DEAFNESS – This is an affliction which affects dogs at times when their human wants them in, but they want to stay out.  Symptoms include staring blankly at the human and then running in the opposite direction.

THUNDER – This is a signal that the world is coming to an end.  Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET – This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old candy wrappers.  If you get bored, tip the basket over and artfully arrange the contents all around the house until your human comes home to admire your efforts.

SOFAS – The dog equivalent of human napkins.  After eating, it is entirely appropriate to run up to the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean on it.

BATH – An activity during which humans soak the walls, floors and themselves as thoroughly as possible.  You can assist by shaking vigorously and frequently.

NUDGE – The perfect way to get your owners attention when they are busy drinking a cup of tea instead of paying attention to you.

LOVE – A feeling of intense affection given freely and uncondionally.  If you’re lucky, your human will love you in return.

Bush, Karen.  Everything Dogs Expect You To Know. Intercourse, PA: Good Books, 2008.

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